theistic existentialists

does the title sound a bit absurd? try "goggling" it... or better yet wikipedia...
that best describes my anxiety these days... i thought i was being rational or realist, but im just being existentialist... just being me.
i first come across this word last year (which i also blogged) but then i missed what's the real meaning of the word... now, im living it...
kierkegaard and tillich have detailed description about this, and it's fun to finally explain the way im feeling these days... that's why i enjoyed richard linklater's movies and sophia coppola's lost in translation, it did actually contain existential themes... this is getting fascinating, as to finally confirm im sane 0_0 (to borrow an icon from kai, damn im stealing again)
this could be a good awakening for me...
but i have to get back to my work, i need to finish all those policies, procedures and templates... trying to "impose structure on a world of phenomena that is fundamentally irrational and random (sarte)"
contradicting what i am made of...
i will survive this, i dont know how but i will... that is existentialism for you...

"The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God, and keep his commandments; for that is the whole duty of everyone." - Book of Ecclesiasties

house of spektor

someone ask me to listen to regina spektor... whew!
well, if you're gonna ask me how is she... then i'm out of words...
my already altered state of mind has been altered some more...
hhhmmm, it seems i can describe dr. house more because he has intentions, while regina's music... i dont have a clue where she's heading....
i swear if ever regina and dr. house would have a conversation i would like to be in the front row listening...
they both play with words nicely, very sarcastic, trying to be different, insane...
both is really aware that they dont give a damn about what would people say about them...
just wondering... are the people who likes listening to regina spektor and watching the tv series house could be describe as above... and if ever i found another one who does... i'd say to her/him... congratulations, here's for you from Queen "...another one bites the dust..."
oh yeah, i have a word to describe them regardless of intentions... "cruel!".. :-p

obviously i wrote the title last coz i was not planning on blogging about greg house until i recognized a comparison....

the mind

im having mild anxiety attacks the fast few weeks... weird and unnatural for someone who thinks he has great control. yeah, i always thought i had a good control of my life... first, i identify the things that is out of my hand then i make use the full potential of those i could reach... well, it seems like it's cheating or very scheming but for me it's not... it is not breaking rules but "bending the rules"... and im good at it... the japanese thought me how to strictly follow rules, the indians thought me to be convincing, the chinese to be persistent, the malaysians to be proud of what you have and the filipinos to make "palusot"...
and being anxious for quite some time now... it feels really weird... where are all those rational thinking that i thought i have?
maybe it's only now that it is becoming a blur... having spent some of my time in those different countries, experiencing different cultures (and some awful foods)... my mind has been coaxing me to do something but then i end up doing nothing... my rational brain told me to slow down, so i gave in to my sis and attended a "spiritual spa"... it was ok while i was there, until i came back to my bed and started becoming anxious again... some people could sleep better in their beds, and im the reverse...
something is egging me, and i cant quite decipher who/what... but i will catch you... i just hope i wont catch my own tail... damn... that would really be a hard pill to swallow...
but then what's to be there to be anxious... i like love stories anyway...

missing january

last year, i failed to blog anything in january... and then this year too... seems unusual coz i dont think anybody would forget to blog on their birthmonths unless it is intentional... but i did for 2 straight years and it was unintentional.

i think it's nice to blog something about birthdays especially your own... but i dont usually remember what happened during my birthdays, im the kind of person that likes to "enjoy the moment" and doesnt get busy trying to document them or maybe i could recall 2 birthdays...

1 was in 1995, when i celebrated by birthday during my grandma's funeral, i dont even recall if someone in the family greeted me "happy birthday" (im sure my folks did greet me) coz it wasn't really appropriate to be happy that time... my granny's demise was unexpected, she slipped and injured her head... the last few minutes that we were together, she was telling me that she is okay and not to worry... then off i went to college only to go back a week later, to celebrate my bday and the life she had... i had to wake up some friends from town, and ask them to stay up with me coz it's my bday, and no one seems to notice...
another 1 was in 2000, i celebrated my bday in a foreign land with people i just met... i was expected to be in japan for the next 10 months and it was only my 2nd day... i hardly speak the language, im with a group of people whom i've met a couple of months back in the office and we were drinking whisky i bought from convenient store whose brand name is "red"... they were a lot of "happy birthday" and "tanjoubi omedetou" greetings but from people i hardly knew...
easily, you can identify which of the two had put more smiles on my face during my birthday... and also a more ironic way of celebrating a birthday...