my beloved Son

and a voice came from the heavens," You are My beloved Son, with You I am well pleased." ~Mark 1:11
was a part of the gospel reading on my birthday last 1/11...
i was awed, it was like someone talking straight to my heart. a message so well-placed that it seems so ordinary but for a certain person reading it would mean differently.
with that expectation, what can we do to please Him. in an everlasting cycles of life every option has been isolated and studied upon, every turn is being criticized, every decision has been analyzed, what's left out there? is there even a music that has not been created, or an art piece that has not been thought about?
at a very early age we already know what is pleasing to Him, it's true that whatever we can learn, we already learned when we were at kindergarten...

1st of May

"when i was small and Christmas trees were tall, we used to laugh while others used to play...
don't asked me why, but time has passed us by, someone else moved in from far away..."

reminiscing is fascinating, it brings us to our comfort zones and dwelling there in a second seems to give us "something" to look forward to... that is until you question the pasts.

questioning the past "could" be a mistake or as a cliche "skating on thin ice", more likely than not you'll get stuck into a cold hole and will freeze you. Freeze you in a certain point of time, detached you from reality and blur your vision.
Now, while writing this blog, it is inclining me to connect reminiscing as a form of entertainment

mimpi di siang bolong (~thanks ike) means day-dreaming in bahasa indonesia

coconut butter cookies

i wrote down these ramblings in my office scratch pad... maybe after watching "slumdog millionaire", but maybe it's because that i've seen this situation so many times and up until now i still can't figure out the proper response. here it goes...
"...in a moment your faith hangs on to some insignificant person in your life. you are not even friends and you don't care about each other, but, at that specific time, your happiness and your whole life, including that of your love ones hangs on the simple decision of that insignificant person. how do you fight that? just shows everything is already written..."

lal

i had always been ranting about how i am satisfied with my career and that i could do whatever i wanted to and that i have tried every level as an office worker but then some things would challenge my pathetic mind once again. working with the indians means dealing with a lot of politics, really a lot. as the newest guy, they either take me as a threat to their job security or maybe in a more realistic sense, a newbie that knows nothing. once some colleagues asked me to do editing of a document by straightening out the alignment of figures, i just smiled at them (in my mind: are you guys crazy asking me to do that?), went back to my desk and continue browsing the net. i was waiting for them to send me the files, but it didnt came and the leader change my assignment.
once again i failed in a humility test, which i believed is the topic for this moment of my life now...
lal, is a hindi word meaning "red"

a silent heart

We wonder why unexpected things happen to good men, but then the Lord's mysterious ways were never understood. One thing I'm sure though, the Lord loved him and wants our loved one to be with Him. He didn't left us behind, God has trusted him so much that God let him went ahead of us to prepare our places there.
He had lived in the presence of his family with abundant love but even bigger is the love that he has given to the family. A humble man with a simple faith, a husband with solid commitment, a father with selfless caring, a brother with unspoken loyalty, a generous friend and a ninong who guides with purity in his heart.
We will continue your dreams. God speed...

my better-half

i tried to write a poem just to see if i can... the first poem i wrote was more than 10 years and i dont even remember what it was about, it was the exams to join the university press and we were required to write all forms of literary piece, including writing a poem which i dread so much... which i thought would kill me eventually... i dont know what happened but i got the slot which started my enthusiasm for writing... 

anyway, here's the poem so far... it was intended as letter but the the first line rhymes with the second so i thought... why not make it a poem... still unfinished, but i just want to blog it..

my better-half

a heart so scarred and torn

no one to blame but my own

you fill the scars/holes to make it look good

that's why you are the better person, the better half of me

Vince in Bono Malum

for the past few days, i have been experiencing a spiritual dryness... making stupid decisions after stupid decisions... in one instance, while desperately waiting for a cab i questioned God about why not give me a break and send one... silly huh... in another instance i asked God what is His message why He gave me the worst taxi cab ever... i know, it's more silly... and the most stupid of all things i did lately... trying to predict God's plan for me... the last one was really insane, it's like trying to understand women except that the possibility of succeeding to predict His plan for you on a particular day is nil (zero) unless He will boldly give it you... aka the St. Paul experience on the road to Damascus...
now, im trying to finish a book intended to public high school students in my home country... the topics include, "looking towards marriage", "marriage and the family", "responsible parenthood" which i "maybe" an expert, since it includes "how to handle conflicts in marriage", which are just popping left and right these days ;-) *i wonder where they came from*... so i started to search for some resource materials and went looking to some pastoral letters about family in general which i later realize that religion and the state does not really see eye to eye and the book will be funded by the state so you cannot really advertise heaven...

anyway, the title is not the name i intend for my future children...
Vince in Bono Malum / Overcome Evil with Good

ijtihad

i came across the word after i read an article about irshad manji. very cool person almost like jessica zafra when it comes to irony but she dances on more sensitive issues. wow, i like her guts... i have not yet finished reading about her, nor her blogs, nor have i seen her book but already im rambling about her here... well, according to wikipedia "ijtihad is a technical term of Islamic law that describes the process of making a legal decision by independent interpretation of the legal sources."... ever since i found out that Jesus and Mary the Queen of Heaven is given respect in Quran, i knew something is really good about Islam... unlike how the media had portrayed Islam, i tried to read about the religion that is actually a brother of my faith... there will be a time where peace reigns, and i hope it would be on my lifetime

10

it's been almost 10 years since i finished college and went to manila to find happiness.... i was talking to my cuz wil yesterday and i can still remember the exact moment when our ship was about to land at the north harbour of manila... april 1999, i had just finished college and wil high school... actually, i cant find wil that time coz he was eating breakfast alone at the ship's mess hall while i had just to contend myself with coffee from a styro cup because i was trying to save some money... i remember when another cuz, mj fetch us from the pier and while we are passing by baclaran on the way to imus i asked him what place was it... he said he is not sure but maybe paranaque... oh well, time flies...
and what finding happiness? well, i found a job... which was essential for surviving but not really happiness...
almost 10 years later... me and my cuz wil might find ourselves again on a ship "going back to the barracks" as he would put it...
10 years and 10 cities pasig(ortigas), osaka, kobe, tokyo, manila, makati, kuala lumpur, singapore, mandaluyong and jakarta...
...stopped dead on track... dont know what to add anymore... there's just too many memories...

duh...

some people gets their dream job, so for them... work isn't really work. it's all about fun and passion and sometimes they get paid really well...
guys like kobe bryant and j.k. rowling are having so much fun while earning millions of dollars... while some unnamed professor or a public litigator are also having lots of fun and passion with not much to show for it...
people like gloria arroyo are in it for power, while some people from the real estate are in it for the dough...
my dream job? i'd like to be a profiler... yes, like those guys in the bahavioural analysis unit of the fbi... and yes, im watching too much tv... hehehe...
well i sort of realize years ago that, it is what i really want to do... until i came across the tv series 'criminal minds' and found out that it is what it's called...duh.. yeah i know, useless ramblings...

CFC

nope its not the chlorofluorocarbon that destroys the ozone layer... it's a group of couples praying together Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam (for the greater glory of God)...

amazing how a person could be spiritual in many stages of their lives, which i conclude with a question:
who prays more passionately and with more conviction?
a poor person in times of needs and distress or a rich man giving praises and thanks?

crossroads

suddenly... blogging seems to be finding it's way back again in my veins...
now i get it, everytime im in a crossroad it seems akatenshi hush or insanity are the ones getting all the grunts...

another crossroads... *bone thugs-n-harmony song playing in my mind*

no matter how i try, finding a permanent job in indonesia seems so elusive...
so, what to do? amazingly, im not so anxious or paranoid... so, when i read that quote from mother theresa of calcutta i almost fell off my chair... that's why it's a bit difficult because He trusted me so much... or is this just paranoia creeping in... anyway, im done with the glitzy life... all i want to do now is enjoy my family and the trully happy people are those whose happiness come from the simplest things... the trully rich people are not with the biggest bank accounts but those with the smallest wants in life... school and coconuts crossing my mind regularly... :-)

dark knight of the soul

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
"Jesus said love one another. He didn't say love the whole world."
~ Blessed Mother Theresa

after finding these lines in the internet, i thought this one should be in my blog... then i found out it's been more than a year and 3 months since my last entry... and why would i stumble around the blessed mother's word???
i was looking for a nice name... nope, my wife isn't pregnant yet but... i dont know, i just like to have a name in my mind... just in case...
anyway, the blessed mother's given name was agnes gonxha which means rosebud in albanian... which also sounds good anyway... then i went reading about her words and these where what struck me most... it was very witty and comedic at most but not in a sarcastic manner...

the title is in no way a reference to bruce wayne, but it is a treatise written by the mystic St. John of the Cross, which they say the blessed mother suffered from...

it is great to know that during my lifetime, saints did really walked the earth...

saint to be

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.~ Blessed Mother Theresa

This one was in my "drafts"... Really cool one.... And the coolest thing... I'm posting this today (November 13, 2009) but the date posted was the date when i wrote the draft... it's like going back in time... nice... another dream fulfilled... toinkzs!!!

theistic existentialists

does the title sound a bit absurd? try "goggling" it... or better yet wikipedia...
that best describes my anxiety these days... i thought i was being rational or realist, but im just being existentialist... just being me.
i first come across this word last year (which i also blogged) but then i missed what's the real meaning of the word... now, im living it...
kierkegaard and tillich have detailed description about this, and it's fun to finally explain the way im feeling these days... that's why i enjoyed richard linklater's movies and sophia coppola's lost in translation, it did actually contain existential themes... this is getting fascinating, as to finally confirm im sane 0_0 (to borrow an icon from kai, damn im stealing again)
this could be a good awakening for me...
but i have to get back to my work, i need to finish all those policies, procedures and templates... trying to "impose structure on a world of phenomena that is fundamentally irrational and random (sarte)"
contradicting what i am made of...
i will survive this, i dont know how but i will... that is existentialism for you...

"The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God, and keep his commandments; for that is the whole duty of everyone." - Book of Ecclesiasties

house of spektor

someone ask me to listen to regina spektor... whew!
well, if you're gonna ask me how is she... then i'm out of words...
my already altered state of mind has been altered some more...
hhhmmm, it seems i can describe dr. house more because he has intentions, while regina's music... i dont have a clue where she's heading....
i swear if ever regina and dr. house would have a conversation i would like to be in the front row listening...
they both play with words nicely, very sarcastic, trying to be different, insane...
both is really aware that they dont give a damn about what would people say about them...
just wondering... are the people who likes listening to regina spektor and watching the tv series house could be describe as above... and if ever i found another one who does... i'd say to her/him... congratulations, here's for you from Queen "...another one bites the dust..."
oh yeah, i have a word to describe them regardless of intentions... "cruel!".. :-p

obviously i wrote the title last coz i was not planning on blogging about greg house until i recognized a comparison....

the mind

im having mild anxiety attacks the fast few weeks... weird and unnatural for someone who thinks he has great control. yeah, i always thought i had a good control of my life... first, i identify the things that is out of my hand then i make use the full potential of those i could reach... well, it seems like it's cheating or very scheming but for me it's not... it is not breaking rules but "bending the rules"... and im good at it... the japanese thought me how to strictly follow rules, the indians thought me to be convincing, the chinese to be persistent, the malaysians to be proud of what you have and the filipinos to make "palusot"...
and being anxious for quite some time now... it feels really weird... where are all those rational thinking that i thought i have?
maybe it's only now that it is becoming a blur... having spent some of my time in those different countries, experiencing different cultures (and some awful foods)... my mind has been coaxing me to do something but then i end up doing nothing... my rational brain told me to slow down, so i gave in to my sis and attended a "spiritual spa"... it was ok while i was there, until i came back to my bed and started becoming anxious again... some people could sleep better in their beds, and im the reverse...
something is egging me, and i cant quite decipher who/what... but i will catch you... i just hope i wont catch my own tail... damn... that would really be a hard pill to swallow...
but then what's to be there to be anxious... i like love stories anyway...

missing january

last year, i failed to blog anything in january... and then this year too... seems unusual coz i dont think anybody would forget to blog on their birthmonths unless it is intentional... but i did for 2 straight years and it was unintentional.

i think it's nice to blog something about birthdays especially your own... but i dont usually remember what happened during my birthdays, im the kind of person that likes to "enjoy the moment" and doesnt get busy trying to document them or maybe i could recall 2 birthdays...

1 was in 1995, when i celebrated by birthday during my grandma's funeral, i dont even recall if someone in the family greeted me "happy birthday" (im sure my folks did greet me) coz it wasn't really appropriate to be happy that time... my granny's demise was unexpected, she slipped and injured her head... the last few minutes that we were together, she was telling me that she is okay and not to worry... then off i went to college only to go back a week later, to celebrate my bday and the life she had... i had to wake up some friends from town, and ask them to stay up with me coz it's my bday, and no one seems to notice...
another 1 was in 2000, i celebrated my bday in a foreign land with people i just met... i was expected to be in japan for the next 10 months and it was only my 2nd day... i hardly speak the language, im with a group of people whom i've met a couple of months back in the office and we were drinking whisky i bought from convenient store whose brand name is "red"... they were a lot of "happy birthday" and "tanjoubi omedetou" greetings but from people i hardly knew...
easily, you can identify which of the two had put more smiles on my face during my birthday... and also a more ironic way of celebrating a birthday...

fish

as i was saying(or writing) in my earlier blog i will update this blog on November, then i realized it is already the 6th of November (happy bday granny!) and i have to update akatenshi hush...
what happened?
i was all set to go to jakarta, projects are coming in and im thinking of financial rewards, i had quit smoking,…. for short i am on my way of living the way i always imagined... im high!!!
then suddenly,
things took sudden sharp turns, my supposed trip didn’t materialize (worst it was my Gg’s bday and i was not there), i was on financial burden because there were some unexpected expenses and then my boss was keeping my check without my knowledge (for the intention of borrowing it, as it was only given to me today and was borrowed of course) and frustration came sneaking and i puffed a cigarette (after weeks of quitting)
the past weeks, im feeling like i lost some battles, i was really contemplating so hard if really did forgot God during the days or weeks that i was on a high… i was asking myself were the things i did was to please Gg? or God? ifelt the answer was yes, so ibegged for forgiveness and shared the story with Gg

last week, Friday, iwas feeling very sick that i have difficulty walking but still i went to this small church in a mall, and there was a big celebration because it was first friday and it was the feast day of st. martin de porres who is the patron of public health, and i realized that i was forgiven for the wrong that i have done

last night, i attended a baptismal celebration where i was invited to be a godparent(i think it's my 3rd time in the past 2 months, not counting the baptismal of my nephew which thankfully i wasn't a godfather), so i was thinking of "here we go again, the same script that starts from lighting candles in the church and ends with small talks at the reception"... normally, i wouldn't go drinking with people i hardly knew... so, there i was seated with a 50ish veterinarian (in whose house we are in, actually it's a small "bahay-kubo" on the lawn of his house), his kumpare who is a 60 year-old former sales manager that reminds a lot of a young berting labra which really good sense of humor, a mid-30's private investigator who looks tough but actually is mr. romantic and the vet's assistant/carpenter who is my new "kumpare"... they are a group of people who actually knew each other and im the newbie...
i popped my first bottle of beer thinking that it will be over in 10 minutes and then i'll be leaving to do whatever household chore i could on a sunday afternoon... half-way through my bottle, fsm (former sales manager) has kept me fascinated with his stories, he's the same age as dad so i was all ears, doc( the vet) is also an interesting person and pi(private investigator) has some quite amusing stories especially when he started to get a bit tipsy... it was so amazed that i got along easily with the group, just there listening to their stories.
doc lived a high-profile life for having the surname "javier" but is a very humble person these days (danny of the popular trio APO was his 1st-degree cousin, but never once in the entire conversations did he mention it), he had a bad marriage which resulted to an accident that damaged half of his face, he is now living in with someone who really loves him and take cares of him, hence, he can get drunk and all and believes that someone would be there to take care of him... he is a really nice fellow and very friendly... but i think he will be happier if his 1st marriage will be annulled(his first application was declined) so he can marry his current partner and then have another child or two.
pi is the person whom i can tell works for the government, and i was right… before becoming a pi he was a government employee… he was quoting this filipino movie “milan” several times… the line goes like this “mahal mo ako dahil kailangan mo ako o kailangan mo ako kaya minahal mo ako”….. which, for me has the same meaning but yes, if you assume it in a situation then the meanings would eventually change… i admire the guy for being a strong person, for 5 years of married life they still don’t a have kid after his wife had a miscarriage on the 1^st year of their marriage and the guy is still so romantic to his wife, or maybe he was just horny that night… but no, i felt sincerity there…
the best conversations i had though was with fsm… he was married at least twice (without annulment)… he have 2 daughters with his current wife who are also both married and he abhors both his in-laws for really valid reasons…
I was able to but in once, where i explained that in Greek there are four words for love. stergo which is for family members, fileo for friends, eros for sensual love (hence the word erotic) and agape, the highest form of love which is loving without expecting anything in return.

I really like talking to guys older than me…. experience always beats intelligence… all the time!

after hearing their stories, i felt lucky and blessed… my problems became so small as compared to theirs!

This was the 2^nd time that I’ve been in a similar situation; the first time this happened to me was when i was on a ministry to a depressed area for yfc, my problems was so small compared to those youths that shared stories.

comfort in your strangeness

i told myself i would update my blog sometime on the 11th month of this year but this one will be the exception...because of the blogs "wawit" and "comfort in my strangeness", akatenshi hush was born so this is something like a salute to the inspiration
as music is the soul of this blog, i was listening to bam's playlist in itunes here in the office and i came across this song (same title as above) by cynthia alexander and i realize something... this i've got to really write down...

noohkoeg, death, wawit or any other name you call yourself is not near anymore, at least before if wanted you to be there then you're there (of course it comes with a price... hehehe... nah, im not complaining ;-)) but now...
thanks for the company and the friendship... i know i'll see you again but really don't know when...
take care and God bless always!!!
P.S.
that country-sounding song "those days" is really fun, i have to get a cynthia alexander cd...
and my sis wants to invite you on her bday on the 18th... hehehe...