just scribbling

i never really developed a like for boy bands except maybe for 4 to 5 songs and that's it...
lately, my ofcmates has been playing these songs and i would always object and i will always be outnumbered :-(
so i have to resort to my headphones and play chill out musics (coz it's always raining)
then today i played bob marley, and it really suited up with the weather... nice eh!

anyway, we've found a way to download videos from you tube... :-p

ngarag

"ngarag" - a term used to describe a person with 20 tasks he/she is juggling with two hands...

i was like that for the past week, except that not all the activities are for the office ;-)
but still, im using 2 computers, each with it's own email address and their own problems... i'm monitoring 3 teams, or make that 4 (to include another committee) each with different functions and sometimes i also have to do what they are doing...

not just that, im hooked on a new rpg that's eating up the bulk of my time!!!... and there are other tons of things to do outside the office...

check out dungeon siege II.... anyone? :-)

you're beautiful

hmmm.... the song by james blunt was playing in taxi...
with me is my sis, my mom and one of the beautiful face i've seen...
as the song goes.. "... and I don't think that I'll see her again..."
yeah i don't think i'll see her again...

my sis took the cgfns exam today, at 5 in morning i have to get up, brave the heavy rain... cursed the taxi's passing by without stopping... fetch her from her hotel and bring her to the exam center... then go to work (not minding the fact that i ahve to go different directions to her and to my work)

another agonizing morning i thought... then my sis went down to the lobby with a new friend, a co-examinee...
afterall, i didn't regret all that i went through before that... " ...there must be an angel with a smile on her face..."

then came the spoiler... alas, a ring on her left ring finger.... pfffft... i had to excuse myself to smoke (",)

questions...

the past month, a question had been posted in my mind... i came across a discussion about heaven and if there people who died that are in heaven... one answer is when Jesus was about to die on the cross, one of those who was nailed with Him asked to Jesus to remember him when he dies... right there and then, Jesus promised to him to paradise that very moment... this was according to the Gospel of St. Luke.... however when i tried reading St. Matthew and St. Marks' Gospel, it was written that the two who were crucified with Jesus, actually mocked Him...

so i was really puzzled... which one should i believe...
then last saturday, my sister gave me a book(thanks sis!) written by a certain bible scholar named ariel valdes... he pointed out the difference on the intention of the authors.... while Mark has portrayed Jesus as more of a human being just like you and me, Luke portrayed him as divine... that's why you can see all the humanity of Jesus in Mark's account (like being angry, tired, etc... and other human traits)... while in Luke's writing, Jesus has always been loving and forgiving... very divine...

so which is which?
both are true because Jesus is both human and divine...

episkopos

the past weekend has been a blessed one...

episkopos - greek word for bishop

i happened to catch the early morning sunday mass for the bishops who were gathered at the pius xii catholic center

the mass was a mix of latin, english and tagalog attended by all the bishops (in the phils., including well known bishops like bishop bacani and cardinal rosales)
it was the first time i attended a mass when the seculars outnumbered the non-seculars... it was peaceful but i was a bit destructed because i was awed by their presence...

after the mass, i went outside the holy ground for my "unholy" habit of smoking and contemplated on my calling, call me impossible but i did had some priestly calling before... but even during that time i already had choosen to have a family of my own... because i believe i'll never be ready to be like them, i succumb easily to earthly things and i am too weak to have great discipline like them... all i have is my little faith which i wanted to be nourished...

existentialism

music: mr. clay - bamboo

"..i'm stronger now, stronger now than i was before ... there's no way you can hurt me..."

it's funny but i dont want to start this blog with any quotes or any line from a song or a poem but i just can't ignore the musing playing and the message it is saying... as if it were talking to me and i have to talk back...

sometimes in a journey you really had to take step back in order to move forward and in a very competitive and material world it is hard to accept that you are actually taking a step backward.

i want to believe i am an existentialist, i believe that everyone has to be responsible for their own actions and draw their own destinies...
that's why sometimes i had to personally experience a thing in order to believe to it completely...
that's why i was questioning free will and destiny and ended up with the answer about divine will...
that's why i had to take a step back and think about what i really believe in and what i wanted to do about it...

as blaise pascal wrote that without a God, life would be meaningless and miserable. people would only be able to create obstacles and overcome them in an attempt to escape boredom. and these victories would ultimately become meaningless, since people would eventually die.

come to think of it, am i really that bored that i create my own problems (obstacles) and then hurdle them in order to feel victorious?

really, i wish i was a child whose faith is the greatest of all. when you ask a child if he/she wants to go out and eat outside say mcdonald's for example, they would immediately say yes... without even bothering to think if they have money to pay for it, or what would other people say about them... they trust you that they would be taken cared off...

but iam not... i've got to be a better man :-)

things may not be exactly as i wished them to be, but i'm accepting it...

music: patience - guns n roses

need i say more about lyrics of the song? i've got it from the title itself... (",)

mad world

mad world indeed....

a simple life... like what those kids were trying to picture out...

that's all i want...

threshold unlimited

days later i felt like im in a limbo. i did some stupid things... i was back to my "hated" old self for a time... thanks to a friend and some inner strength left i was able to survive it... then an SMS message arrived...

just like that, i raised my threshold level a notch higher again... i don't know if you've noticed but i've been avoiding the word love like it's some kind of plague but the truth is i dont't know what to call what i am doing... for sure there is love, but what else is there? pride, selfishness, lust, pity, being a genteleman, trying to be nice... martyrdom and masochism on the extreme.... i dont know... but can i just call it simply as "Love" ?

i have been trying to understand what i am into... but the more answer and evidences that i found, the more questions and puzzles came out...

right now, im happy being with her... if i eliminate all other things and all that"s left is her... i would really be glad and thankful, happy and contented...

next: who is she?

bittersweet symphony

i've known her since she was a little girl... i always thought she would be a nice girlfriend someday. i even have dreams for her and unknowingly she has fulfilled those by herself...

then came a chance, after like years of waiting (our paths crossed twice in manila, 1 in absinth, the other time in rufino, she saw me but we were not able to talk)... then finally i got to talk to her... the day of the innocents... and innocence were lost

i felt like im ready to fall again, and it's good.. coz in the process i might be able to sunset my feelings for "someone" ;-)

i asked for signs... my mom wept when she knew about it, it was the very first time me and dad had disagreement, my sis was cool about it but gives crazy comments...
i stubbornly followed what i feel and think would be the next best thing to do... i had some really valid reasons that's why i asked her to be with me...

then i let myself fall, at the same time having a parachute in my back just in case...
days pass... some were really happy and intimate... some were boring and sad... but i kept it real
she has games of her own, so i was glad i have the parachute

finally after all the charades (mine included) we have to part, coz it "might be" nonsense to be staying together....

... to be continued

waters of march

my last blog: december 09, 2005

somehow i almost forgot my login name and password too...

what happened to me? what's with the title?
christmas came, new year, then my birthday.... then new work, a gf, a gf no more...
too many to write here right now

i was talking to kai and and telling her i feel like graduation day... sad but happy, somehow expecting and losing something at the same time...
see march is when most graduations are done and it would be march next week...
waters is for tears...

the story... i will write later...

and yes the music is waters of march (french version by jill caplan)

*sigh*

i've never been to the ofc for more than 2 weeks already.... somehow, the starbucks in that ayala branch taste a little different from other starbucks *sigh*

i'll be home for Christmas.... never got to see my dad, mom and sis for 365 days!!! i will sleep in my "real" room, i will wake up in the smell of fresh garlic in my fried rice, i will hear the silent breeze of the sea everyday, i will see old places which i can only dreamt and think of, i will once again taste my mom and dad's dishes where they always argue whom cooks better and i will always answer both are great cooks and not to forget my sis' special dish, the sauteed mushrooms which until now, im still trying to like... hehehe

manila will be turned off in my life, at least for some days.....

SCAM PI

i have not updated this blog for almost a month despite me logging in to internet almost everyday...
yesterday, i thought of updating this but then i remebered i have to make an abstinence in logging in to the net

well, anyway the SCAMPI B me and Karthik is doing has been really good. it even led for Karthik to say that, "for the first time in a long while, im actually enjoying this SCAMPI"

i have so much learning and having fun as well... i am convinced that this is the work i really wanted to do but considering the number of people who are already "working" on CMMI, i guess i'm a little late

11-11

coincedence?

today is my grandpa's bday (dad's dad)
11-11
my other grandfather (mom's dad) bday is
1-1
my birthday
1-11

well, i started writing this blog at 11:11 am
still gives me some cold feelings thinking about this...

may God bless their souls...

come to think of it... K is the 11th letter in the alphabet, no wonder it is my fave letter since i was a kid... *wink* :-p

missing you

i dont have the right reasons for acting this way
the earth passes on no other route
for me
the knight's shield yielded not to a sharp blade

a riddle and the code are unforgiving
let it be
i wish i was a child, innocent and happy

guin bilin guid kakon nga mag pakabu'ot
ag wa man ako it guin pangayo nga iba kundi maging masadya
wa ako kasayod kung tama ra
pero mahidlaw eon guid ako kimo
kunta masadya ka kung siin ka man, ag ha'eong guid pirmi

steady lang

been really into some tough times these past few weeks...
some people really dont know what "fair" means and they would always try to take advantage or worst abuse people around them who are really innocent.
i would always think that i would hurt these people :
physically, but it would heal soon that they would even forget it happened
emotionally, but they are too thick-faced that they are numb already
financially, but my conscience tells me that other people are still depending on them

then the brownman revivals' album title reminded to take it easy....
everyone who has sinned will be punished, in His own time...
but i will not just sit here and not do anything...
we'll see...
steady lang kapatid...

better late than much more later

i dont know what's got into me and i wasn't able to update my blog for the more than 2 weeks! i wasn't even able to post bday greetings for these people whom i consider my family...
so sorry guys, but belated happy birthday!

October
4 - Jahnica
9 - Pot
10 - Leah Mae
17 - Kristian Red
18 - my sis Jahren! (so, sorry sis... we weren't able to talk in the phone)

huh?

wings of mercury
angel venus
saint earth
rogue mars
jupiter's soul
winds of saturn
uranus east
neptune nights
pluto rains
death of the sun
moon's candle of dream

penang

i just like the place, it reminds me of my hometown... laid-back, great food, nice weather kind of a place. i think it's the only place in malaysia where you can get pork sate!
anyway, maybe im just trying to excite myself because i might be assigned there anytime soon and i hope it will not bore me to death.

this is my 14th post, and i didnt realize my 13th post were spoilers (actually not really good stuff... hehehe there i go again with 13) and oh, i forgot mention who the half-blood prince is in the latest potter book, it's not other than prof. severus prince snape the headmaster of Salazar Slytherin's house... hehehe

it's around10:41 and we are still in the office...

hp fan? dont read!

as the 3 other books of hp has been made to movies....
here comes the spoilers for the next 3 books...

4
harry entered in the tri-wizard tournament because of voldemort
he won anyway, and become engaged with cho
cedric died, harry escaped voldemort again
hermione had a short-lived romance with viktor

5
harry saved arthur (ron's dad)
sirius was proven innocent of the crimes
albus and voldermort faced-off for the first time
DA (dumbledore's army) was formed
sirius was killed by her death eater cousin (although i think he will come back)
harry and cho broke up, so did hermione and viktor

6
harry and ginny fell in love
hermione and ron might be next
no sign of voldemort this time
snape killed albus dumbledore

horcruxes

since yesterday i've been reading hp and the half-blood prince and im on chapter 23 titled horcruxes. im not really a fan but i've read the other 5 books as well (thanks sarj!) and so i have this inkling to finish this sixth book as well...
according the j.k. rowling horcrux is a the word used for an object in which a person has concealed part of their soul. then albus and harry went on to discuss how to destroy voldemort(im not afraid to mention his name either *wink*), where they have to destroy all the horcruxes created by voldemort and how albus was inisisting that harry has the greatest weapon of all... "the ability to love". (back in the 1st book, lily saved harry with a love spell or something that destroyed voldemort)

so it still boils down to the greatest inspiration of any novel, play, movie or any other form of literature and consequently all forms of art. love.
albus says it the most powerful weapon and i completely agree with him. even the writers of the dead sea scrolls and the torah talked about how JC has preached about it, and even reduced the 10 commandments to 2 which is all about... exactly, love.

wow, i sound so romantic fool... but it just confirms my beliefs...

i now knew why j.k. rowling is such a big hit... Love and Magic!